Bob Barker & Me Update from Bill Windsor of Lawless America September 6, 2015

Bob Barker & Me Update from Bill Windsor of Lawless America September 6, 2015.

I had hoped to have the book, Bob Barker & Me: Life in Cell Block 7, available at Amazon by now.

Our sweet typist, KD, has had a number of personal problems, so she has been delayed…

But she is back on duty, and the chapters are flying in.

Bob Barker & Me: Life in Cell Block 7 is the first to be completed of three books that I worked on during my 134 days in The Cooler.  I am really proud of the work.  It’s a witty book with a serious message about judicial corruption and problems with the penal system.

In Cell Block 7 in the Ada County Jail, it’s like maximum security.  You are kept locked in a 240-square-foot four-man cell for as long as 22 hours a day.  I am EXTREMELY claustrophobic, so it was Hell for me.  Getting my mind on something else was vital.  When I proposed that my funny cellmates and I write a book, that was a perfect distraction.  I could tell it was great for my cellmates as well.

The book features short stories and funny poetry by Joshua Hooker, Alex Gibson, and me.  The book is Rated R as it was written in jailhouse language.  To say there are a lot of Fu*ks, Fu*kers, and MotherFu*kers in the book would be a gross understatement.  I found that prisoners use the F word more often than they breathe.  They taught me all about horrible language, meth, weed, tattoos, jail, and prison.

The beginning of the book has a WARNING page about the expletives not deleted.  The book has other unusual aspects to it, such as a Glossary at the start of the book.  Jail life is filled with terms that mean nothing to those who haven’t had the experience.  Lots of acronyms.  So, terms like ChoMo, Panter, pass, hole, pole, sperm surfer, and the like are all explained right up front.  The book has Chapter 1 Bill W’s Story…but it isn’t the first chapter.  You have to be an alcoholic or know one well to understand this.  Bill W(indsor) doesn’t drink, but as Chapter 1 of the Alcoholics Anonymous Book is Bill W’s Story, the guys couldn’t resist.

Some of the chapter titles are Bob Barker & Me; Code Brown; I need a Pole; Eat, Drink, Pee, Poo; Grievance to Nowhere; Seven Day Soup; Fresh Meat; My Bin Runneth Over; Commissary Heaven; She’d be a 3 on the Outside, but She’s an 8 to Me; Family…What Family; Money on My Books; Death by Fart; Flossless in Boise; $5 Staple; Gonads & Strike; Plea No Bargain; Yes, I’m a Public Pretender; Tightie Whities for a Week; Showering with Strangers Shi**ing with Friends; and many that Bill Windsor would rather not have printed here because they are quite foul in name.

I wrote three last chapters from the Missoula County Detention Center in lovely Missoula Montana: “The Tail of Three Jails,” “My Cellmate Thinks HeShe’s Bruce Jenner,” and “Two-Faced.”  I put “Two-Faced” online.  It’s a serious short story, but the book is almost entirely funny/witty but with a message. 

One of my discoveries from my visits to three jails in three states is that most of the men in jail are there because they have an illness — addiction to drugs or alcohol.  90% of the people in jail or prison are there for victimless crimes.  100% of the men I met were drug users.  In the poem, The Felony Flu, by Joshua Hooker, he addresses this issue in his own special way.

The book will initially be sold on amazon.com.  When it hits the New York Times Best Seller List, it will surely be sold in bricks and mortar bookstores, too.  The cover of the book has a bright yellow banner at the top that proclaims “Over 5 Million Copies Sold.”  In tiny type beneath “Sold,” it says “in our dreams.”  The website will be www.BobBarkerAndMe.com.

 

If you haven’t had the pleasure of spending time in The Stockade, you are probably wondering about Bob Barker.  The word in every jail is that THE Bob Barker of The Price is Right happens to be by far the largest supplier of products used in jails and prisons!  But, as with many things that you hear in jail, it isn’t THE Bob Barker, it’s A Bob Barker from Apex, North Carolina.  He’s seen the movie Happy Gilmore, but that is as close as he has been to THE Bob Barker as best we know.

Here’s one more teaser.  This chapter is titled “I Need A Pole:“

 

I didn’t like it in sports in Junior High and High School, and I damn sure don’t like it now.

But in Cell Block 7, we have a community shower.  Three poles, four showerheads per pole, 600 square feet.  It’s not a pretty sight, and everyone is supposed to try to not look at others.  But some do, and there are what’s called “shower sharks” who like to peek.  A lot of guys look like they are doing Stevie Wonder imitations as they raise their eyes to the ceiling and move their head from side to side.

Sometimes you have to wait for a pole because we have limited time out of our cells, and phone calls and food clearly take precedence over showers.

We wear shower shoes to, from, and in the shower.  They are referred to as “sperm surfers.”  Thank Heavens I’ve never seen anyone choking the chicken here.  The inmates didn’t tolerate that in Texas.

The showerheads are on push buttons.  One push gives me about one minute of really hot water.  I use the handicap area so I have a rail to hold onto.  So it’s press the button, get wet, press the button, shampoo hair, press the button twice to get the shampoo rinsed out, press the button, wash my upper body, press the button, scrub, press the button, do one leg, press the button, do the other leg, press the button, do my crotch and butt, press the button, rinse, press the button, rinse, press the button.  If it seems like a shower consists more of pressing buttons, you’d be right.  Just don’t be a shower shark as you’d be pressing the wrong button!

Inmates do not tolerate stinky people.  You are expected to shower.  The message will be delivered loud and clear if you aren’t keeping clean.  The farts are bad enough in a tiny 240 square foot locked room with no windows.

There are a lot of horror stories about showering in prison.  The most common story is where a young boy is in the shower with big bad Bubba.  Bubba drops his soap on the shower floor and says “boy, pick that up.”  When the boy bends over, Bubba rapes him.

Ellis County Texas Jail had private shower stalls and here, the showers are adjacent to the main guard desk, so it seems totally safe to me.  But the Deputies can shower shark all they want.

It’s impossible to get really dry with a painfully thin towel that is somewhere between a hand towel and a bath towel.

Toiletries are for sale from the commissary.  I gave up on the free Bob Barker Company Liquid Soap, and I’m a lot cleaner and fresher now that I’ve got Irish Spring.

Nuts and butts all around.  I’m sorry, but it takes the pleasure out of showering here; it’s a chore unless you enjoy standing around in your birthday suit in a sea of tattoos.

 

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For a quick update on Bill Windsor’s saga and upcoming trial, see this summary on LawlessAmerica.com.

If you want to reach Bill Windsor, his home address is 1o0 East Oak Terrace DRive, Unit B3, Leesburg, Florida 34748.  His email is windsorinmontana@yahoo.com.  

For the Lawless America videos, see www.YouTube.com/lawlessamerica.  Bill Windsor’s Facebook page is www.facebook.com/billwindsor1  Bill Windsor’s Twitter account is www.twitter.com/lawlessamerica.  And click here for the Lawless America Facebook page that has just magically reappeared.

Photo copyright Friends of Bill Windsor

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William M. Windsor

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 FABOJ